


I Can't Breathe

by Mkayswritings



Series: Bad Things Happen Bingo [12]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Bad Things Happen Bingo, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Nightmares, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-09
Updated: 2019-11-09
Packaged: 2021-01-26 01:07:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21365638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mkayswritings/pseuds/Mkayswritings
Summary: After it seemed that Buck was finally getting the missing part of his life back despite things still moving slowly with the team and Eddie because of the lawsuit. Buck is still struggling mentally and physically being plagued by the nightmares and insomnia each passing night. It soon ends up being a bad night as one of the many nightmares triggers a panic attack.Sequel to Too Many Sleepless Nights
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Series: Bad Things Happen Bingo [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1095834
Comments: 5
Kudos: 208
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	I Can't Breathe

Buck felt like he finally had a foot in the right direction after the first night spent with Eddie who ended up being his pillow. He hoped that it was a sign that the relationship the two of them had could be fixed, but he was still hesitating. He didn’t want to make another mistake since it could cost him everything again as the lawsuit proved it when he came back to the firehouse. If he did lose his family against, he most likely wouldn’t be able to bring himself to step foot inside of the building. Things were slow going though as the nightmares and the other mixed emotions that Buck was dealing with still lingered, he was trying to deal with them, but it was difficult. It felt like everything was still out of his control no matter what he tried to do especially with the nightmares because of how frequent they have been appearing. Always when he was trying to sleep whether he was alone or staying the night at Eddie’s house, he didn’t want to become a burden though. Buck refused to bring up the nightmares despite being reassured that he could come to anyone to talk, he knew that he could talk to the team and Maddie about what he was dealing with. He still just didn’t want to bother them with the problems that continued to follow him around. 

Problems that have been there since his leg has been crushed by that fire truck and how everything was ripped away from him multiple times. The morning had been pretty quiet as Buck entered the firehouse to start his shift figuring that he would still be stuck with light duty until Bobby decided that he would go back out into the field. He wasn’t holding his breath though, the paperwork on the desk had become normal for the brunette to see on a daily basis. It seemed to be the only thing that he was good for right now knowing that the medicine he was on being a reason why he was still stuck on light duty. Buck got tired of fighting after the lawsuit which was the reason why he stopped trying since he didn’t want to make the team angry once more. A small tired sigh escaped from the young firefighter taking a seat at the desk once more, there wasn’t any interest in glancing over the stack of papers that sat in front of him. He should of just stayed home today. 

A knock on the door caught his attention though seeing that Eddie was standing in the door with a light smile 

“Hey, hungry? I got your favorite.” 

Buck didn’t have the chance to grab anything to eat this morning, not that he still had much of an appetite. The thought of food caused him to feel nauseous plus being on blood thinners caused him to have to watch what he was allowed to eat, probably another reason why he had lost weight. He was trying at least, but there was only so much he could do when wanting to actually eat besides Eddie was bringing him food once in awhile. Buck gave a small smile in return 

“A bit yeah, I didn’t get breakfast this morning.” 

The food was placed on the desk before Eddie parked it in the empty chair that sat on the other side of the desk. He knew that Eddie was going to make sure that he would eat, Buck couldn’t hide things from him that easily since the other could easily read him like a book. The papers were pushed aside as the food was placed into his hands before he started to eat despite him not actually being that hungry, the thought was making him nauseous once more. The food was eaten though while it wasn’t hard to notice the watchful gaze that came from Eddie, one that Buck had been getting a lot lately. He didn’t really know why as the team made it pretty clear on how they thought of him because of the lawsuit, that feeling of self-doubt was still there. One that most likely wasn’t going to go away anytime soon, he didn’t want to be a burden to them which was why he kept quiet about every thought and nightmare that ran through his head. Buck didn’t want to burden them with anything else knowing that his presence here was enough as one already. 

Eddie was at a bit of a crossroads on trying to get through to Buck since the first night he had spent the night at his house. He hoped that it was the first step needed to fix this tension that lingered knowing that the lawsuit was the main reason for it. Buck still hadn’t talked about the outcome that much besides him getting his job back, he had been too quiet lately for his liking as it seemed that he was closing himself off. Probably because he felt like there was no one for him to turn to, no one for him to talk to figuring that the team would continue to ignore him like they had in the past. Everyone had been determined to fix things with Buck, it was just going to take time if they could get through to him. Eddie was trying, but the obvious sign of hesitation and the struggles Buck was dealing with was there. He could tell with one glance plus the stubborn side that his boyfriend had, stubbornness that was shutting everyone out. 

He wasn’t going to let Buck suffer alone, he would be there for him instead of wallowing inside of his head with whatever thoughts that were there. 

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

The day went by slowly as Buck focused on working around the firehouse while the team had gone out on a few calls already. He didn’t know if he would be able to head back out into the field as it was Bobby’s decision, the lawsuit had taken a lot of that fight out of him and the struggles that came afterwards. Buck was tired of fighting, he was tired of everything that he had been dealing with lately from checking in with his doctor and trying to get the team to forgive him. It was unknown on when things were going to change to him, Buck was just waiting for whatever life was going to throw at him next. Life obviously had a habit of throwing things unexpectedly at him which probably started with the family struggles when he was a teenager. It was the reason why there wasn’t a good relationship with his parents, there was always a disapproving look from them before Buck left. He was glad to leave without a second thought, knowing that it would be the only way to escape from his childhood home. 

The familiar sound of the firetruck being backed up into the building caught Buck’s attention finishing up the last of the chores for the day. He just wanted to go home and avoid the outside world as much as possible, that was the only place he could go without screwing anything up. His job was done for the day while he really didn’t expect any word from the team who had entered the building once more, they rarely spoke to him half of the time anyways. Unless words of anger were being thrown right in his face from the moment before the lawsuit began, he just expected it now despite the reassurance that had been given by Eddie already. 

A light touch appeared against the back of his neck knowing that it was Eddie, he usually did this as Buck unconsciously leaned into it. He glanced up at him as a light smile was given 

“Hey Buck, want to come over? Chris is staying the night at a friend’s so it will be just us tonight.”   
  
Buck opened his mouth for a moment as he hesitated to answer Eddie’s question because of the nightmares that have been plaguing him over the last few days. He didn’t want to cause Eddie to have a sleepless night because of him, but he wanted to spend time with him also. Buck didn’t know what to do before he was able to get his voice 

“Sure, who’s driving?” 

Eddie ended up driving which Buck was grateful for, he had been too tired to drive this morning anyways which was why he ended up taking the bus instead. His car was left at the parking since Buck didn’t trust himself to drive because of his exhaustion from the nightmare that caused him to stay awake for the rest of the night. He wanted these sleepless nights to go away, but they continued to linger all because of the nightmares that plagued his mind over and over again. They just seemed so real to him which made things a lot worse, he wanted the nightmares to go away. The brunette must have dozed off along the way because a hand rested against his shoulder giving a gentle shake 

“Evan, we’re here.” 

Blue eyes flickered open drowsily pushing himself up with a small breath, Eddie’s hand rubbed his shoulder gently though knowing that Buck was tired. He could tell the moment that he saw him earlier today, but it didn’t seem as bad as last time when he made him stay the night. The two moved to head inside planning on eating whatever food Eddie was going to make before laying on his bed probably watching cheesy TV or movies until Buck fell asleep. That was another reason why he invited him over knowing that he could help Buck sleep since it worked the last time, he was going to make sure that he would eat first though. And to hopefully talk if he could get Buck to talk about what was bothering him if Eddie could get the truth out of him at all. 

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

The two were soon laying in Eddie’s room as Buck has his head laying against his chest like always, he never minded though. He knew that Buck was the clingy type while he was the pillow whenever they were cuddling like this. Fingers gently ran through Buck’s hair who was starting to doze off with reruns of their favorite show playing in the background. Eddie was focused on getting Buck to sleep though using his gentle touch and humming to help him forget about the troubles that have been keeping him awake. It didn’t take long though as the sound of soft breathing was heard coming from his exhausted boyfriend, a light smile graced Eddie’s lips before placing a kiss on Buck’s forehead closing his eyes to sleep himself. 

_ Buck was standing in the middle of the firehouse holding papers in his hand that he never thought that he would ever see in his life. Transfer papers to a different house which proved everything that he had been thinking for awhile now because of the issues behind the lawsuit. He had been working hard to gain that trust back and the way too many sorrys that escaped his lips, he didn’t know what else to do to fix the tension that lingered between him and his family. Well, former family now apparently as it was a sign that he wasn’t welcomed here anymore. They didn’t want him here. _

_ Hands tightly held those papers as Buck opened his mouth, he wanted to know why he was being transferred. He wanted to know what else did he do wrong when trying to gain his family back knowing that they were upset about everything that happened with the lawsuit _

_ “Can I ask why? Why am I being transferred?” _ _   
_   
The silence lingered before Eddie’s voice was the one that broke it, a voice filled with nothing, but hate and anger. It scared Buck since he still loved Eddie, he never stopped as he just wanted to cling to his boyfriend and beg for forgiveness. Beg for anything to make everyone here be like the family that Buck was once apart of, he didn’t want to be alone. He wanted to stay here with the people that were important to him, but that wasn’t going to happen. They wanted him gone. 

_ “Because we can’t trust you anymore, Buck and we don’t want anyone here who doesn’t have our trust.” _

_ Tears pricked at Buck’s eyes not really knowing how to answer the words that just felt Eddie’s mouth, the one person who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He knew that Eddie wouldn’t want to be with someone that he couldn’t trust, the look on his face showed everything that Eddie was feeling. Buck just bowed his head letting the tears fall while the group walked away from him one by one, there would be no left for him to talk to. No one left of the family that he had since the start of his career as a Firefighter, they were leaving him behind. He wouldn’t even have Maddie to talk to because of her relationship with Chimney, he was completely alone. _

_ Buck just curled up into a ball burying his face into his knees, letting the tears fall with the heavy emotions sitting on his chest. The pressure was insane, making it hard to catch a breath, he couldn’t breath at all. Why couldn’t he breath? _

Sitting up with a gasp, Buck’s hand clenched at the sheets that rested underneath him as his chest heaved while the nightmare still lingered on his mind. It felt so real though, had they really left him behind? Did he lose the team forever? Buck didn’t know... 

Glancing over, he thought that he would see Eddie laying there, but the bed was empty with the covers pushed back. A feeling of panic started to sit in as there was some tightness lingering with the chills that rested against his shoulders. It felt like he couldn’t breath, he couldn’t get any air into his lungs which was making the feeling worse. He just wanted to breathe. Buck felt dizzy as his head leaned back against the frame of the bed trying to get that one breath of air which could help his screaming lungs. Nothing was working though, he was alone and no one was there to help him. Eddie was gone, his sister was gone, and the rest of the team was gone. That was what he thought until a worried muffled voice cut through the fog that lingered over his head 

“Evan?”   
  
Hands rested against his face as his chest still felt tight while Eddie was suddenly sitting in front of him with a concerned gaze. That breath of air still refused to come while Eddie most likely realized what was happening, he didn’t even know what was happening right now. His back was soon resting against Eddie’s chest whose arms were wrapped around him grasping at his hands. Words were spoken gently into his ear, words that were filled with nothing, but comfort 

“It’s okay, I’m here Ev. Just follow my breathing, you can do it.” 

Buck could feel Eddie’s chest move with each breath that he took, he tried to focus on the words that were being spoken in his ear and the movement against his back. Eddie held him close though refusing to let go until Buck was able to breathe without making the horrible gasping sound that he heard right when he came into the room. It scared him knowing full well that he was suffering from a panic attack, it wasn’t the first time that Eddie had seen one as he used to suffer from them himself. To Buck, it felt like hours passed by while it took only minutes before he was able to get that first breath of air into his screaming lungs that were desperate for it. 

“That’s it, Evan. Just focus on breathing.” 

A small nod was given as Buck grasped at Eddie’s hand to ground himself a bit more while trying to push the nightmare out of his mind. He didn’t want to remember it, he wanted it to go away as Eddie continued to give the comfort that he needed. His breathing was soon under control feeling the sudden exhaustion from the panic attack. The only thing that he wanted now was to cling to Eddie and sleep the rest of the night away, any talking could wait for tomorrow. A gentle kiss was placed against the top of his head before the blanket was pulled over them once more 

“Sleep babe, I’ll be here when you wake up.” 

Buck gave a small nod hiding his face into Eddie’s neck letting his exhaustion and comfort take him away knowing that he wouldn’t be waking up alone tomorrow morning. Eddie would still there to help chase his nightmares away, help chase his worries way and remind him that he isn’t alone. No matter what the thoughts inside of his head say each passing day. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hello Buddie fans! I hope you enjoy this next oneshot that I've written for the boys, I think it turned out okay but I kinda have mixed feelings about it. This is the sequel to Too Many Sleepless Nights so I suggest checking that one out first before reading this one! Anyways looking forward to the kudos/comments as I hope I didn't make the characters to OOC while the nightmare part is a bit meh to me, but I struggle writing those sometimes. 
> 
> You can find me on tumblr, twitter, and instagram under mkayswritings!


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